Ahhh Christmas! The food, the presents, the family, the friends - all jumbled together in one long party after another.
But what if you find yourself alone at Christmas, especially when you don’t want to be?
What can you do? Well, you can cook a new recipe, binge watch Netflix, pursue neglected hobbies, volunteer your time, treat yourself to a spa day, or work on a project you’ve been putting off.
But what if you’ve tried all those things, and still feel empty?
I asked the expert. And here is his response.
Real Christmas Gifts
Dear Monica,
For many people, the holidays don't recall a 1950’s tableau. They may be navigating a heartbreak, a breakup, grieving the loss of a loved one, or feeling a profound sense of disillusion from where they thought their life would be by now. They are dealing with psychic wounds that have yet to be healed. For them, December can be the harshest month of the year, and no amount of “window-dressing” their loneliness will do.
Here are some the best things they can do:
Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. There is divine grace in simply saying, "I am hurting, and I am here."
Don't force yourself to be "merry.” If your heart is heavy, don't add guilt to the mix. You aren't doing Christmas "wrong" because you are working through a situation. You are simply being human, missing someone that matters to you. Don’t beat yourself up over that.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Treat yourself like the fragile, precious human being you are. If you need to leave the party early, leave. If you need to skip the big dinner to eat Chinese takeout and watch a movie in your jammies, do it. The bravest thing you can do is listen to what your spirit needs, rather than what tradition demands.
Get together with friends that are also alone, and do things together. Go for long walks with your dog. Or if you are part of a family that has a big dinner planned, consider inviting friends you know are alone for the holidays. Be generous, even when you're in pain.
And if you really want to get serious about healing yourself, there is the difficult but beautiful practice of Dual Gratitude.
Let’s face it, when we are heartbroken, speaking of being "grateful" can feel like folly. But true gratitude isn't about ignoring the dark; it’s about spotting the flicker of light within it, and embracing both, the light and the dark.
That’s how we get to “This too shall pass.”
Your heart may break every time you hear a particular song on the radio. But in the same breath, you can sip a cup of coffee and feel thankful for the lessons you learned. It is possible to be sad for your loss and be grateful for the life you lead, or at least the life you are working towards. Choose peace, not trauma.
Also, there is love to be had in microdoses. Talk to the funny cashier that always jokes about your choice of unripe papayas at the market checkout counter. Softly bear-hug the long suffering friend who asks you to “b-r-e-a-t-h-e” every time you’re all stressed out. Rekindle old friendships by sending snail-mail christmas cards to your high school BFFs that include old pictures or touching memories. These are surely small mercies in the scheme of things, but they are easy steps that wake up your heart, and remind you that you can be happy, even during the darkest of moments.
Schedule some time just for you. Time to think in private, away from everything. Time to pamper yourself as thoroughly as you would love-bomb a beloved partner. Do whatever it takes until you actually get to "Grateful."
That is how we keep going.
We don't move forward by forgetting, or ignoring, or fighting, or denying our feelings. We move forward by expanding, accepting, sharing, and embracing our truth. We grow by talking about it with people we trust. We heal by taking care of the part of ourselves that is wounded. Our hearts can stretch to hold it all - the grief and the gratitude, the loss and the love. Give yourself that gift, and often.
Here are my wishes for you. I hope this season brings you many moments of peace. I hope you find strength in your own persistence. I hope you unwrap as much happiness as your heart can hold. I hope you can cherish the love you are offered, even if it is not the love that you miss. And I hope you know that even a broken heart is a beating heart, capable of moving forward, one step at a time. Count your blessings. The world is still your oyster. And for what it’s worth, I love you, even if I am very very far away.
Wishing you peace and light,
Saint NickClaus
Lighting a Gratitude Candle
If you are missing someone special , or mourning a terrible loss, try this:
Prepare a small area on a table or shelf. Place a single, unlit candle there.
Name your loss as you strike a match or spark the lighter to light it; speak the name of who or what you are missing. It could be anything.
Light the flame and as the candle catches fire, say something like "With this light I honor the love that remains; this light represents the best I have to offer: my love, my resilience, and my strength."
Sit in silence for five minutes. Do not try to fix your feelings. Just watch the light. Let it be a symbol that even in the dark, a light still shines.
Repeat whenever you feel the need, and honor that past, remember the lessons, and hail your journey.
